Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas ...it's here, the season every year, to celebrate to birth of Jesus. well, it's a quiet event this year, at least for me. life is the same, just that for today, people celebrate, and for me, in my heart, i'm grateful to God for christmas. cos without chrsitmas, there'd be no good friday and the human race would be condemned, with no chance of eternity with God. so christmas, for that very fact, is special, is something worth to celebrate and be joyful about, it's the season of God's love for us.
well, another is almost coming to an end. though things this year were so different from years before, i find an uncanny resemblance in my thinking that still remained the same as previous years. in my little mind, there's still this little corner of solitude, my hiding place, my dreaming place. there, my thoughts run freely, not amoke, but free, just like how a fantasy would be, happy and, IMPOSSIBLE. but that's the comfort i find in it, the unrealistic side that draws me in. it's not that i like to run away from reality, but it's where i am at ease, not afraid, and most importantly, calm. someone at work was trying to figure me out, in my usual self, i just cheerfully told him that he wouldn't be able to figure me out. i'm usually cheerful most of the time. i'd rather be cheerful than be unhappy, at least even if i'm not really happy inside, after the prolonged smiles i'd put on my face, i'd really feel happy from the bottom of my heart, it's just something i figured out as i was growing up. in any case, i don't really think anyone would really figure me out, at least everything out, cos in all honesty, i'm still not sure. i know who i am, what my rough plan of my future is, what i'd love and like to do in the future, but all this thing about the future is so tentative. everything is and can be subjected to changes based on the turn of events that follow with each decision i'd make.
so i may seem to be naive, ignorant of the dangers of the world, appearing to live in an uotpic world of my own, cut off from everyone else. but i guess, you cannot look at things just superficially, if not you'd be greatly mistaken. i'm not as naive as people think i am, it's just my opinion. i may laugh and giggle at most things, but i do know of threats and dangers that exist in this world. which brings me to another point, maybe that's why, there still exist a kind of invisible cage that blocks me off from getting to close to people, that makes me look at the relationship between couples as something that will occur somewhere in time when God feels i'm ready. it's true, you can't really fault this thinking. the only thing that comes with this thinking is the aloofness that i'd formed towards such relationships and bonds. people make the assumption that i have a partner, but the reality is i don't, don't take everything at face value, look deeper. this partner thing is like, to me, a miracle and destiny. and also, something very far away. i can't picture myself with someone now. i'm just not interested in this kind of relationship yet, and i just wanna ensure a stable life first and a good education without having to consider someone else's needs and feelings. i'm sorry for this selfishness. in any case, i'm still young.
so this is year 2008 for me, no change in my life, my perception and thoughts. i'm still me, same as before, just maybe more withdrawn. so that's it, year 2008. at least i can say this year was differently and eventful. i grew up more in my thinking. more exposed to the world and it's potentials. there's just this thought lingering in my head though, i, for now, am playing with the thought of going to U.S.A to study, maybe at the last year of my degree, or maybe to get my masters there. whatever it is, i'll know when the time comes, now, not only does finance restrain me, but the thought of leaving my family is also another factor. we'll just have to see how things go from here.
on a lighter note, i recently started reading twilight, and i must say that it's really good. i'm not looking for someone like edward, just similar would be enough for me. haha. but the movie casting was really awesome. the cast really fits the description of the characters in the book. kritsten fits bella and so does robert fits edward. well, that's all for now.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!love,
cheryn =)
posted at 12/25/2008 08:27:00 pm
